unfathomable.

".. i don't know where to begin, fighting a war i can't win, fighting a memory of something that used to be.."


when you're committed and then have learned that all the while, your commitment is another make-believe just like everything else you refuse to have conviction with, isn't it inexorably disappointing? you give so much and too much just to SECURE the commitment. you deny all painful things just for the sake of not fighting and to avoid breaking up. i tried really really hard to follow all of the rules that has been set and have talked about. every morning when i wake up, i make sure that i wont do anything stupid so to elude hurting the one that i love most. i forgot most of my friends, my hobbies and interests, and my life just to give so much and too much time. i thought i'll have that person completely. i thought i have.


"..no matter how hard i fight, all of my strength and my might keeps defeating me.."

my fear is just simple. to lose the one i call MY LIFE. to be honest, i couldn't see myself without the person. i invested a lot you know. i invested everything that i do and don't have. have been giving what i can and cannot do. have been accepting what i have to and have not to face. every part of my existence made sense. but when i talk about how painful it is to hold on, i lose my grip.


"..your body is here with me but your heart and your mind is still with her.."


the most excrutiating part is when you realize that the person you're giving your entire life to isn't capable of turning his/her back on his/her past. i find it so freaking unfair that he/she have asked you to forget everything you've had with your previous relationship because those things hurt him/her the most, but he/she couldn't do what he/she have just said. no matter how you deny the fact that you still have something in your chest, just the thought of it makes you sick. and the way he/she looks at you straight in the eye when he/she knows he/she have hurt you and that's intentional? that is just simply AMAZING. how can they have the guts?


"..seems that you can't keep him out of your mind.. obvious to me that im not where you want to be, baby you don't want me.."


how i wish that i could still call the person MINE. but how? if the person cannot protect me anymore? i cannot feel secure with what the person's showing? what is harder, to deceive someone that you love her or to tell the person that you really don't? i couldn't understand why some people are selfish. you cant have to things at the same time and that applies to almost everything. why cant they just let go of the things that are not even a part of their lives anymore? why couldn't they just leave the past behind if they really wanna be with you in the future? why can't they think of you over their lies? when will they prove themselves that they deserve everything you are to them? why don't they just leave me if someone else will keep me company in their hearts? why cant they just stop deceiving themselves and start showing the world that they are real?

for god's sake, have a life.


"..go back to what you know, go back to where you know your heart is, just be honest.."