unfathomable.

".. i don't know where to begin, fighting a war i can't win, fighting a memory of something that used to be.."


when you're committed and then have learned that all the while, your commitment is another make-believe just like everything else you refuse to have conviction with, isn't it inexorably disappointing? you give so much and too much just to SECURE the commitment. you deny all painful things just for the sake of not fighting and to avoid breaking up. i tried really really hard to follow all of the rules that has been set and have talked about. every morning when i wake up, i make sure that i wont do anything stupid so to elude hurting the one that i love most. i forgot most of my friends, my hobbies and interests, and my life just to give so much and too much time. i thought i'll have that person completely. i thought i have.


"..no matter how hard i fight, all of my strength and my might keeps defeating me.."

my fear is just simple. to lose the one i call MY LIFE. to be honest, i couldn't see myself without the person. i invested a lot you know. i invested everything that i do and don't have. have been giving what i can and cannot do. have been accepting what i have to and have not to face. every part of my existence made sense. but when i talk about how painful it is to hold on, i lose my grip.


"..your body is here with me but your heart and your mind is still with her.."


the most excrutiating part is when you realize that the person you're giving your entire life to isn't capable of turning his/her back on his/her past. i find it so freaking unfair that he/she have asked you to forget everything you've had with your previous relationship because those things hurt him/her the most, but he/she couldn't do what he/she have just said. no matter how you deny the fact that you still have something in your chest, just the thought of it makes you sick. and the way he/she looks at you straight in the eye when he/she knows he/she have hurt you and that's intentional? that is just simply AMAZING. how can they have the guts?


"..seems that you can't keep him out of your mind.. obvious to me that im not where you want to be, baby you don't want me.."


how i wish that i could still call the person MINE. but how? if the person cannot protect me anymore? i cannot feel secure with what the person's showing? what is harder, to deceive someone that you love her or to tell the person that you really don't? i couldn't understand why some people are selfish. you cant have to things at the same time and that applies to almost everything. why cant they just let go of the things that are not even a part of their lives anymore? why couldn't they just leave the past behind if they really wanna be with you in the future? why can't they think of you over their lies? when will they prove themselves that they deserve everything you are to them? why don't they just leave me if someone else will keep me company in their hearts? why cant they just stop deceiving themselves and start showing the world that they are real?

for god's sake, have a life.


"..go back to what you know, go back to where you know your heart is, just be honest.."

inevitable.

im 23. in my 23 years, i have acquired a lot of lessons. plenty of it. some i've learned from painful experiences and some are from the happy ones. some are deep while some are superficial. i forgot some and i remember some. those i remember are inscribed in my heart together with its scar. i have been learning for years now. but I DONT LEARN. or should i say, i refuse to.
struggles, at the end of the day leave significant things. as always, before it ends, i know what's the next step to take. i make plans and i have goals. but the procrastinator in me always, always steps ahead. and since im weak, it eats me. i tend to leave everything hanging. and basically, i dont finish anything that i have planned to do.

im human. flesh and blood. i get tired too. i get annoyed when everything in me crashes. i am used of having things organized. but my life is a huge chaos now. for several years now, im like this and it is so tiring. struggles are too heavy to bear and time runs too long to contemplate. i made use of my reflection in the mirror to understand perplexing things. i was somehow successful. i made use of the unlimited supply of toilet paper to dry the non-stop tears from my tear ducts. i was devastatingly unsuccessful. i also made use of my resourced resources to recycle my life. i was just about to begin. you know, stagnant lessons has essence now. and i guess i dont want to waste those this time. i took my first step forward, i tripped. took another one, i tripped again. took one after the other, same thing happened. darn, talk about being weak! i dusted myself off but time hinders. i thought, what will happen if i step 10 times backwards? will i be able to catch up 20 times faster?

here i am, wanting to begin. wanting to rediscover everything i have forgotten. wanting to start fresh. it's just that when you have enough guts to reorganize your life, some things keep on messing around and you wonder if all those craps are simply the game of fate.

condemned.

words really mean something. whether you mean it or not, it will imply a confusing message to those who would hear it. but most of the time, we tend to beat around the bush especially if we grasp for the right words to use to avoid getting someone hurt. but the truth hurts, right? no matter how we try to elude bringing perplexion, words and delivery couldn't simply fake it.

people nowadays doesn't give a shit to whatever they would want to say. though they know that they could use millions of PROPER (should i say DECENT?) words to express what they feel, they still give in to brutality. some doesn't even notice that they are abusing others verbally, and i feel like im cursed to this. all my life, i have been verbally abused. im stil not used to it, though. everytime i hear words that i can't bear from my loved ones, it buries itself deep in my heart. bad thing is, i don't often forget painful words. it's like someone tattooed it to my heart.

and that's where the problem usually starts.

royalty.

when i first saw you, i wasn't really impressed. you were just like everybody else trying to make a name in the room. well, that's what i thought. i never really mind you being in the room coz i was really pre-occupied with befriending the rest of the class. but you, not really. i just dont feel like it, but i never let it show. i hated the way you dress. so baggy. it was like i could fit in those clothes, too! i hated the way you speak, you're loud, man! i could hear you from the ground floor and you speak like there's a riot outside! who are you fighting with? i hated the way you stare, it didn't really feel right you know. i don't know how to describe how annoyed i was to even look at you.

karma came.

i was sitting comfortably in this couch while waiting for the others to arrive, the least i expected was you. but hell, you came in second to me! you talked to me in the most subtle manner i never thought you could do. you sat beside me and i felt so comfortable looking in your eyes. i was like, "hell, this person wasn't bad after all." we started talking about our lives when i caught myself staring at you, trying to contemplate about what i was really looking at. i ignored it and stood up then proceeded to the room where we'll be spending the rest of the day, together. sigh.

suddenly, i felt uneasy. i kept catching myself staring at you, listening to you, thinking about you. well yeah. i started thinking about you. i tried so hard to ignore it coz i know you're committed. that you're a womanizer. that we just couldn't be together. that everything's wrong. i tried hiding this darn feelings coz i still want to categorize it (hoping it's just an infatuation) but wooff! you smelled it! *and you smelled so good!* there hasn't been a day that i didn't think of you, you know, how stupid i was to judge you for simply being yourself, how naive i was to the real world! like where have you been all my life, how unfair it was to just know you a couple of weeks ago! damn!

thank you to GENEROSO.

because of this freaking brandy, i had the guts to admit to myself that i felt something special for you. that this wasn't just a simple crush. i knew it was something deep because it was my first time. i had the opportunity to know you better. had gone way and beyond to see the real you. and i had the strength to tell you how i really see you. i was so pathetic but i have had prepared well. i was just so surprised to know that you felt the same way. and i couldn't be thankful enough.

trying to remember my stupidity made me more thankful. if it wasn't for it, i wouldn't have you in my life. i have had told you a lot of times that this may not last, that this may not work but i have assured you that what i have was real. i couldn't really gather the words to describe this. coz i know words can't compensate to the feelings i have. you made me believe that everything can be possible (globe?). you made me see that in one way or another, a person can trust again. you bring out the best in me. man, this is so mushy but i just can't help it. you made me conquer my fear. i thought i will never be inlove this hard anymore. but you proved me wrong. the most important thing, YOU COMPLETELY HEALED ME.

a lot of people are against us. who gives a damn? they don't know how precious you are. i am just one lucky gal to know you personally. i just want to let you know that i would stand behind this. wrong or right, as long as i am happy, as long as you will not have a change of heart, i will stay and be there for you always.

not all people are given the same opportunity as what has been given to me. not all people are capable of giving you the love that you deserve. again, i just couldn't be thankful enough because i was blessed to have been conferred with a person more precious than any wealth in the world. my majesty. you.

when i first saw you, i wasn't really impressed. but when i look at you now, music of praises for the Lord plays from my heart.

now i will say, you brought back my life.


**-dc9.

fullness.

this isn't about what will make you feel full. this is something more that what you can put into your mouth.

i remembered how i hated the thought of falling in love in a WRONG way. i had all the justifications (i still believe those are right) that there are no such thing as falling in love the wrong way coz people have choices, that we were taught how to differentiate good from bad, that some people are just stupid enough to put themselves in a chaotic situations when infact, there are choices available. get my point? i've been a product of a broken family so why bother settling for less?

i also remembered how i hated the fact that some girls are still pursuing those WRONG relationships. are they dumb to fall in love just like that? are they so desperate to get into a relationship? do they still think about what people and especially their parents and friends might say? do they still think about their reputation, like being labled a bad name? don't they have the decency to refuse that one hell of a courtship or whatever they want to call it (why did they allow the WRONG person to start with)? or worst, can they not respect themselves anymore?

i even promised that i won't ever ever love someone WRONG not even touch. it isn't just me, you know. i have set this goal of having a DECENT FAMILY (kids, home, those unrealistic things). i just couldn't see myself being in love or even just being friends with a WRONG person. i just can't. and i promised that I WOULDN'T.

but i did.

i ate everything that i have said and promised.

because i am so freaking weak.

and i love it.

***note***

adultery isn't my thing. and it will never be.

ramping..

i am just curious. why is everybody rushing just to get into a relationship? is it really for a deep hunger for commitment or just for the sake of having someone to cuddle up with when it's raining? is it because you have 'convictions' that you could no longer wait for the right person at the right time? is it because of our generation's trending?

if you have to have answers to those questions, you got to be kidding. i find it superficial. come on, man. would you really want to end up with someone you don't really know? i mean, you only get to be single ONCE IN YOUR DAMN LONG LIFE. and you can't even compare the span of being single with the span of being committed/married.

commitment is broad. you can explain having different views but at the end, it would only imply one thing -responsibility, right? and no matter how you justify yourself for what kind of relationship you have, IT ISN'T A GAME. you don't play just to hurt people. you don't play to cheat. you don't play to have sex. if that's the case, that isn't a relationship at all, you know what i call it? SELF-DECEIVING.

i know it's nice to have someone to think of and care for everyday, that it's nice to have someone to hold just to make you warm (maybe to make you also feel secure in a way), that it's nice to talk to someone anytime of the day without hesitating, that it is very nice to miss someone special and and it is so completing to have someone you love beside you. i know that feeling because i have been there but i was just able to come to my senses and realized that what i was feeling wasn't beautiful at all. it was ENVY. i had been envious because i know i deserve better. it was SELF-PITY. because i can't make myself happy alone. i tend to be dependent. i didn't know how to be myself. it was LUST. not the green lust but lust in a sense that i couldn't really put into words now. and it was so WORLDLY. i forgot the basics. i forgot my conviction and self-respect. i forgot what's right. AND THAT MADE ME REALLY DEVASTATED.

when i look back, i smile. BECAUSE I AM HAPPILY ALONE. i really don't need relationships (mental note: at this moment!Ü). i saw my cause. if people only knew how joyful it is to be able to appreciate singleness, i bet they would double the attendees on church services every Sunday. singleness is a gift from God that He wants us to make us of it. there's no need to rush. everything has to happen in God's perfect time. we should just need to wait for it with all our hearts, trust and faith.

and also, a relationship isn't all about HAVING someone because you were drunk last night but BEING with someone for the right reasons. or why not have yourself first before being with someone?